A Flight Interrupted

We all had dreams most of them revolved around the Canadian Armed forces and I was just as determined to lose enough weight, and build enough muscle to breeze through basic. I was going to be an aircraft mechanic whether everyone around me liked it or not.

I’m guessing that wasn't part of the divine's plans because during a training session I damaged my lower back. I was 18 years old and I was going to have back pain for life. I did Physio, and massage therapy. Between the two I was able to get most of my mobility back, but I was 18 and in constant pain. At the same time, life happened and we all moved away and separated. I had realized I was in love with my best friend, but things between us just couldn't work. I was told I couldn't have kids, and I knew he wanted nothing more than to be a father and have a family, I left without a word.

I took a door to door sales job in Toronto just to get away. Watching him happy with someone else crushed me, but I knew I wasn't it for him. I just wanted to see him happy.

That's the thing with unconditional love, you’ll break your own heart to see them smile.

To save myself I disappeared and moved on. I had to forget them, forget him to continue to grow. After the door to door gig, I spent a year traveling the USA as an outside sales rep. Then came home and built a career in digital marketing, but then I ended up back in Toronto. I started building a career, a life, finding friends, even met someone who reminded me there were good men out there. There was something so special about his energy, I never felt like there was enough time with him, not just the dates but the entire short interlude. The timing was off, and we parted ways.

In Toronto I flourished. I was around people who allowed me to feel valuable. I was starting to feel like myself, I saw myself in ways I never had before. No amount of value seemed to make me feel like it was enough though. I used sex to feel wanted and valued and spent years in one night stands and refusing to connect with people.

Then after a fling I ended up pregnant.

The idea of raising a child alone was terrifying. Alone in Toronto even worse. I was faced with giving up my career or giving up the child I wasn't supposed to be able to have. Who I was told I wouldn't carry to term. I wish I could say I didn't choose an appointment for an abortion. I did though. I wasn't ready to be a mom, and I sure as hell wasn't stable enough to do it alone. I didn’t say anything to any friends, I spoke with my parents and although they didn’t agree they understood.

Part of the process was a dating ultrasound, and in a moment everything changed. The tech turned the screen not realizing it was for an abortion. She showed me that tiny little fetus, with one leg crossed over his knee waving at me, there was no way I could go through with it. In my immature 25 year old brain, any fetus that chill belongs on this earth. I made this decision in an instant and once again everything changed and I was rebuilding, again from a place of shame and regret. The day I left Toronto, I received a job offer. Literally as we were loading the boxes out of my apartment.  It was the most money I had ever been offered and a dream job. I remember thinking to myself, how stupid could you be to sabotage all those years of hard work.  Continue Owl's Story