Unfowled, Unfiltered & Unapologetic

Look, this story isn't pretty, and it may hurt some people's feelings, but I've held this in for over 20 years, too afraid to speak, too afraid to truly look at myself. Through the last couple of years, I've had to face my past in order to move forward. After my marriage, I really had to sit with myself. I had to find myself, and really it was a string I partially wish I never tugged on. As I reflected on my patterns, I also had to look at why I keep doing this. The unfortunate reality was I honestly didn't believe I deserved better. I spent my life feeling rejected by my own family, I felt like I had to stay quiet to be loved, and no matter how much love I was given, the secrets I held wouldn't allow me to receive it.

The Secret That Poisened the Roost

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I was raped repeatedly for years until In a fit of rage I almost killed my rapist. I won’t speak on who it was or any of the details. That's no one's business but my own and the divine's. Just know that because of this, I spent my childhood alone, in fear, never truly feeling safe. I’m not sure why, but from the time I can remember, I thought my parents knew what was happening, and I want to be clear right now:

THEY DID NOT KNOW 

Had I not been scarred by this, I probably would have had a perfect childhood. It wasn’t that I was always “unhappy,” or that I had bad parents; it’s just everything has always been tinged by that darkness. It stained all of the love. Twisted everything in ways that I will never be able to fix or fully heal within myself or with my family. That truth is the worst part of this horrible story. 

Because I Believed everyone knew. I Believed I was just supposed to stay quiet and keep

the peace. I spent my life changing and molding myself to make others comfortable. It was safer than disagreeing or having an opinion. I wore mask after mask, every environment a different version of me. I used to be really proud of this skill, but for all the wrong reasons. I loved that I could change and fit in anywhere; I looked at it like a superpower for success. I can just give people what they want, and they will love me back. My heart breaks typing that out, but that was the root of it. My favorite mask was confident, ambitious, and driven. I didn't discover her till much later, though.

An Owlets Plea to the Divine

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I found solace in the Catholic Church. I clung to God and the word of God like it was a lifeline. As a child, something about Mass was magical, and I know everyone hates the Church right now, but spirituality is personal. How we speak to the divine is our own path. At an early age, I reached the divine; I would pray and take solace in scripture. I went to Mass with as many of my aunties as I could. Each in thier own belief systems. It didn’t matter where I was or how the word was being preached, I found peace in it.

Then I started completing my sacraments, First Holy Communion and my First Reconciliation. For anyone who is not Catholic, this is a sacrament where we confess our sins to God through the priest; you are then given penance and are forgiven. It goes much deeper, but this is going to be long enough. During my Reconciliation, I confessed the rape; I was hoping it would finally allow me to let it go. Well, instead of penance, I was told during my Reconciliation that God would not forgive my sins.

"The rape was my fault; I must have tempted him."

This shattered my belief system. I was so lost. The God I loved, He wouldn't punish someone for something they couldn't control. I lost faith in the Church, and as I lost it, I started to learn the stories of my ancestors. From my Métis grandmother and from researching my Celtic Heritage. I grew up away from my indigenous heritage. My grandmother was raised in the Church, not her traditions, yet she taught us things she didn't even realize were traditions.

She also taught me it was okay to hear spirit even at a young age, and I never felt like I had to hide it with her. Yes, we called it God; to her, that was spirit, but the key here is she never told me I wasn't seeing or hearing what I was. She never second-guessed my intuition. For a long time, this support allowed me to grow and be open about my connection to energy. Her reassurance that this did happen created this need for research, The more I researched, the more I discovered Wicca and Pagan beliefs.

Now, given the time frame (I grew up when The Craft was released), most people just thought I was a teenage girl playing witchcraft. Truly, what I was doing was developing a belief system that has kept me safer than any person ever could. Continue Reading